Fan mail

We don’t get a lot of e-mail at 543 Magazine — not really — but what’s interesting is that what little email we do receive — in fact almost every piece of it — comes from writers, editors, SEO and internet types. Some want to write for us but all are very happy to tell us everything that we’re doing wrong.

And apparently there’s a lot.

Now what’s fascinating about all of this is, that if you do the math, there are actually more people out there that want to write for this site, than are actually reading this site. And I don’t know exactly what that means.

So removing the many, many e-mails from editors and writers who ask us to stop butchering the English language — okay, we stuck a few of those in — but mostly stuck with our favorites …

Dear 543skills,

So am I better at writing than you?  You tell me. Here’s a link to my blog. My life is very interesting so I have a few ideas.

I have experience as a writer so I don’t work for peanuts. We can do a flat rate or word count rate but I need a viable monthly income if I’m doing this full time (we’re talking $2,000+). If you want me to write 600 words you’ll be paying me at least $30-40 an article. I also insist on being credited for my work or at least getting to use samples, having a profile on the site or a link to my personal website & blog.

(Wow, let me grab my wallet before the rate goes up).

Hello,

I just visited your website. While there, I began reading the “to whom it may concern” letter. I found numerous upon numerous grammatical errors in the writing. I’m not sure if this piece is indicative of the writing style throughout the site but as its a letter from the editor, it raises concerns.

(Didn’t he just use the wrong form of its, in telling me how horrible my grammar is?)

Dear 543skills,

Please find attached my article on Gene Doping. I would like to submit this as my first piece. I noticed you don’t have anything on Gene Doping and you should.

(How could I be so stupid as to forget to do an article on Gene Doping? I am such an idiot).

Hey,

In lieu of my resume, here is my email address. We don’t need to wast time with writing when I can save all my good idreas for yer site. How do you get paid for this?

(I’d tell him, but I don’t want to wast his time).

Dear 543skills,

Would you please review my work and get back to me I need work.

(But there was no work attached. Did he mean for me to review it —- telepathically?)

Hello,

I’m a writing specialist and have read a number of your articles, and (shudder) your writing sucks. The articles are poorly edited and …

(Wow. I made someone shudder with my words).

Hey Fellas,

My name is XXXX. I have been a writer for almost 8 years now and I am currently doing freelance work. I do articles, academic papers, web contents, blogs, and creative writing. I always get a high satisfaction ratings from my clients. You will see two bad reviews if you Google me. Ignore them. I can deliver quality output on time with …

(No problem. Consider it ignored).

Greetings,

I have experience in blogging and content writing. I would like to know when and how I get paid. And how much then I’ll let you know if I will write for you.

(Sure. Makes sense).  

Prepare to have your mind permantaly blown. HERE. IS. MY. WRITING.

(I refuse to read it. What if he’s right?)

                             THIS ONE IS ACTUALLY THREE SEPARATE EMAILS ….

EMAIL #1: I’m an experienced freelance writer and I would very much like to join your magazine. I’ve visited your site, browsed through the stories and believe I could make a very good contribution. I would love to be able to

EMAIL #2: Sorry, Im trying to do this on my phone and messed up. Let’s try this again. I’m an experienced freelance writer and I would very much like to join your magazine. I’ve visited your site, browsed through the stories and believe I could make a very good contribution. I would love to be able to write on a variety of topics.

EMAIL #3: Sorry, me again. Can you just call me?

 (That’s the entire email).

EMAIL: I’m interested in learning more about your magazine. Can you direct me to a website so I can check out your credentials? Do you have an issue submitting to a background check?

(Nope. And I have a polygraph in the car we can use).

Hey site, How’s it going? I sent along my piece yesterday, but I realized that I didn’t attach any contact info. I’m XXXXX and I can be reached via e-mail at XXXXX@yahoo.com or by phone at XXXXX. If you do call, please leave a detailed VM as I get many calls from publishers and can’t keep them straight. And I will get back to you ASAP.

EMAIL: Hello, name is XXXX. I’m the guy that Jesus Half Animal Villa uses for his content on his website. That should be all the references you need.

(Oh. Well then —. Who?)

 So keep those cards and letters coming.

Thanks,

 

Everett