543 Magazine

Category: Life

  • How to make jerky

    How to make jerky

    jerky

    Origins

    Tracing the history of jerky is somewhat difficult because people have been salting and drying meat for centuries. However, the word jerky has a direct line back to the ancient Incas: sometime around the year 1550. During that time, the Incas would cut slices of llama meat, rub it with salt and dry it in the sun or over a fire. When the Conquistadors arrived, they continued this tradition and called it Charqui, and when they later invaded the Americas they noticed that the natives were doing a similar process with meat from buffalo, deer and elk. The Native Americans began using the same term — only with their accents they pronounced it jerky.

         Jerky allowed people to consume high protein fuel that was readily available and eat it when food was scarce. It became a staple food item for early American pioneers and allowed for Western expansion. Over the years people discovered that the meat could hold more flavor if certain spices and tastes could be added and they began to create it for flavor, not only as a survival food.

    Nutrition

    Contrary to popular belief, beef jerky is actually a pretty healthy snack. It’s a great source of protein, is low in fat and calories and has minimal carbohydrates. Yeah, the sodium content is through the roof, but hey, it’s salted meat.

    And remember, jerky is not just a snack food. Jerky is dehydrated meat which means it can be rehydrated again when placed in hot water so you can use it in chili’s, stews, at home or while camping or hiking.

    But here’s the thing. The cost of commercial jerky is downright ridiculous.

    Economics

    Let’s use the Jack Links brand of beef jerky as an example. This brand resale’s for $5.99 for a 3.25 ounce bag. So, if we take $5.99 and divide it by 3.25, we find out that this jerky costs $1.84 an ounce. And since there are 16 ounces in a pound, that means the cost of this jerky is — $29.44 a pound.

    That’s thirty dollars a pound for — beef jerky.

    In comparison:

    • Lobster is currently running around $12.00 a pound
    • Filet Mignon is $19.00 a pound
    • And Prime Rib is about $17.00 a pound

    But beef jerky — that you buy at the gas station — is thirty dollars a pound.

    Now add to this, the comparison between the taste of homemade jerky and the prepackaged kind, and it’s not even worth comparing. The jerky you can make at home tastes worlds better, hands down — and will not contain any strange chemicals, preservatives or nitrates.

    Now marketers jumped on this fact a few years ago and starting producing small commercial dehydrators to dry your meats and vegetables, at home. They created infomercials, bought television time and dominated the shopping channels, stating what a crime it was for you to pay so much for beef jerky when you can make it yourself. But they would like you to make it at home — with their two hundred dollar dehydrator.

    Now, that’s just plain silly.

    Why would you pay two hundred dollars — for something that is basically a little heater and fan? And why would you pay any amount of money for a device that can do what the Incas did in the 1500’s with just fire and the sun?

    Because everything you need to do to dehydrate — herbs, vegetables, meats, anything — can be done in your kitchen oven and can be done for pennies.

    And it doesn’t matter what type of meat you use. You can use beef, venison, turkey, salmon, tuna or something even more exotic. And you can cater each batch to different tastes — make sweet, smoked or spicy.

    HOW TO MAKE JERKY

    1. Cut meat in strips. You’ll want these to be about the size of a slice of bacon. And the best way I’ve found is to get your butcher or meat department in the supermarket to cut the meat for you.
    2. Prepare marinade. Here is a real simple marinade that works well.
    • 1 part Worcestershire sauce
    • 1 part Soy Sauce
    • 1 tbl Honey
    • 2 tsp black pepper
    • 1 tsp chili powder
    • 1 tsp crushed red pepper flakes
    • 1 tsp liquid smoke
    • 1 slice of onion
    • 1 squeeze of lemon
    1. Place meat in storage dish, cover with foil and refrigerate anywhere from two hours to overnight.
    2. Preheat oven to 160°F
    3. Place a cookie sheet, wrapped with aluminum foil, in the bottom of the oven. This is to catch all the dripping from the jerky, because you are going to place the jerky right on the oven racks.
    4. Allow to dry in the oven for anywhere from 6 to 12 hours.
  • The core

    The core

    the core     I just reviewed some standard sourcing material that Guidance Counselors use for career assessment — you know, the stuff that helps students determine what majors to take in college and then what career path to pursue. There was a lot of information to go through, so I first took a few aptitude tests and then familiarized myself with learning platforms. Then I ran through personality assessments, aptitude enhancing exercises and tracking material to map my career path through online grids. I did all of that.

    And? What did all of this determine that I should be doing for a living?

    Well, it looks like I should be in —- Alternate Dispute Resolution.

    Yup. That’s the career for me.

    Now, I’m not really sure what Alternate Dispute Resolution is, but it doesn’t really matter because I love the field that I’m in and I love the job that I have — which has absolutely nothing to do with Alternate Dispute Resolution.

    So what does this mean? Does it mean that the tests aren’t accurate? Does it mean that real life will lead you to where you should go?

    Well sort of. But first, let me distract you with some statistics.

    Recently, Monster.com did a survey which interviewed over 8,000 people in seven different countries and asked them detailed questions about their education and their careers. This is what they found.

    15% of the US workers interviewed said that that they hated their jobs — this was the highest rate among the seven countries surveyed.

    Who had the lowest rate of people who hated their jobs? India, with only 5%.

    The highest pay per capita of all the countries surveyed? — yup, U.S. But — now this is interesting — the US had both the lowest allotted vacation time given to employees as well as the lowest vacation time actually taken. 60% of all US workers roll unused vacation time over each year, where in the Netherlands it’s only 7% and— now this is also interesting — only 8% of the employees in the Netherlands stated that they hated their jobs.

    Hmmm.

    Okay, question two. What percentage of college graduates end up working in their career fields?

    Answer: Roughly half. About 50% of those people with college degrees end up working in their field — and 35% of those people said that they have never worked in that field. Ever.

    Okay, one more. 38% of the people polled said that the need for professionals in their chosen field drastically changed by the time they graduated. So, they entered school to be a teacher because the market was good, and four years later there is an overabundance of teachers and they couldn’t find a job in their field.

    Okay, so what does all of this mean? Well, one thing it means is that we have a culture that works hard, is afraid to unplug and who never really ends up in the field that they spend thousands of dollars being educated in — and then spending the next twenty years paying off. It means that following the money never works. It also means that the long term career plans — don’t really work.

    So —. That’s it.

    What? What do you mean —-? That’s it?

    Yeah. That’s the whole point. That as simplistic as it sounds, the answer to this — and most large questions in life — is that plans are important but with the bigger aspects of life, plans are simply a direction to start moving in. There are too many variables that will determine the end result. They don’t really matter.

    Only this does.

    The core.

    If your heart is strong. If you give more than you take. If you put the needs of those around you in front of your own and if you respect the person who looks back in the mirror — then you will go where you need to be. You will head where you need to head. You will land where the world needs you to be. Every time.

    But if your core is out of balance; is self focused, bitter, jealous or simply driven by the prize itself. Then where you end up is just a location.

    Always.

    You can do all the math, take all the tests and use all the tools and it wont matter. If you contribute, if you think, if you create, if you love and if you believe. Then you’ll get where God wants you to be.

    Work on the core and pick a direction. The rest will take care of itself.

  • Steve Vaught; The fat man walking

    Steve Vaught; The fat man walking

    Vaught

    It was not only the feel good story of the year but it was the greatest underdog comeback — ever. We loved it. And we couldn’t get enough of it.

    This is what happened.

    In 2005, Steve Vaught; an obese man of 400 pounds, a married, ex-marine with young children — saw that his world was spiraling out of control. He wanted to gain his health and his life back. So, with the support of his family, he decided to do something drastic. He would walk — yes, walk — across the country from his home in  Seaside, California, to New York City, on a spiritual and mental journey. He would walk 3,000 miles. And when he got to New York City he would be the man, the father and the husband, that he had always wanted to be.

    So, Steve said goodbye to his family — his wife April, his infant son Nicholas and his two year old daughter Clara — and began walking, very slowly, heading east. Always east. His wife created a website for him — fatmanwalking.com — to track his movements and to add in journal entries that Steve would dictate to her from the road.

    It didn’t take long for the word to spread of Steve’s walk and people began logging into the website — a few people at first and then a few more until millions were on the site. Then people would wait for him along his route to have their pictures taken and encourage him. Then the media became interested. Then manufacturers contacted him; hiking, camping, walking shoe companies; all donating equipment for Steve to use.

    And — when Steve was not even half way through his walk — Harper Collins offered him a lucrative book deal with a $150,000 advance and assigned a ghostwriter to do all the actual writing; the publisher quickly got a $70,000 check out along with a book contract. Oh — and this was besides the documentary film crew that began filming him and offered him a distribution deal. And I’m not even including the worldwide media coverage that came everywhere from CNN to Oprah to the BBC.

    Steve Vaught had become America’s darling. In fact, Katy Couric used those very words the next morning after Steve entered New York City on May 9th of 2006, this completing his trip and appeared at the Today Show studios to talk about his journey.

    Now that was in May of 2006. And by September of 2006 — three months after completing his famous 3,000 mile trek — Steve Vaught was divorced, broke, unemployed and living in a Super 8 Motel (an actual step up from sleeping in his car where he had been until it was sold to avoid repossession), declaring bankruptcy and fending off lawsuits and creditors.

    Harper Collins wanted their advance back, stating they cannot work with him. The documentary company has shelved the project with no plans of ever completing it and a plan for a fat man walking series of runs and speaking engagements were cancelled.

    What?

    How —? How — did that all happen?

    The idea of a fat man, walking across the country, taming his demons, is a great story. An amazing story. And it’s easy to become attracted to it and want to learn more, which is why the interest grew so quickly. But here are the facts.

    Vaught abandoned his struggling young family to take this walk. Yeah I know, abandoned is a tough word since it was possible that he could have walked away with $150,000 dollars in his pocket afterwards to better support them — something he did not know or expect when he left. But still, it was a gamble and it demonstrated where his priorities were when he would leave a family who was already in serious financial trouble and needed him as a provider and a father. This character flaw would show itself in other ways.

    Vaught went walking but still did not deal with his addiction to food — of all the photos from the website and the video, he eats all the wrong foods and a whole lot of them. A whole lot. For a man on a journey to fight his addictions, it looks like he didn’t fight at all but simply took them on the road.

    Steve Vaught has no problem accepting charity. In fact, Steve was glad to receive donations from people on the road as well as donations through his website. Not a problem at all. If you are walking across the country, it’s almost expected that you’ll need some help along the way. But he quickly began to expect these gifts and feel entitled to them and it appears that this practice has not stopped. On one of his most recent Twitter posts, almost ten years after his famous walk, Steve is asking complete strangers to donate money so he can open up an auto repair facility. Before that he was asking for donation so he could pay his rent. These are not the qualities we like to see in our heroes.

    There is some question if Steve actually did walk the entire way from California to New York. In fact, on one occasion, he walked 114 miles around Albuquerque in a single day. That’s a very long way to walk for a man who moved at a snail’s pace and averaged anywhere from zero to fourth miles a day. So that was also the highest single day he had ever walked — by triple. But Steve states that he did walk that distance and he did not take a single ride.

    Steve Vaught did not lose much weight. In fact, he lost very little weight. Accounts vary since there was not an official weigh in and weigh out. Steve stated he lost 100 pounds and then other times said 60 pounds. But if you look at the before and after photos, there’s not a big difference. In fact, hardly any. And for such a journey we wanted to share in were expecting a spiritual and physical transformation.

    Vaught talks about his journey but if you read the journals and his blog, he doesn’t seemed to have changed much as a person over that trip. We don’t read of any epiphanies or adjustment in his outlook. He doesn’t talk of being blessed or lucky. He doesn’t become humbled. He just walked.

    Walking across the country should take about six months. It took Steve Vaught over one full year because he flew back to California more than once — and on one occasion he stayed there for several months working with a personal trainer.

    And …

    Steve Vaught is not a very nice person. He just isn’t. He is self-focused, a little egotistical and he believes that he is entitled to a whole lot more than he has and is waiting to be given it.

    Which goes to prove — what?

    Well, it goes to prove that opportunity is easy. It’s out there all around us. Everywhere. Big opportunity. But our character will determine if we can capture that opportunity and keep it. Or if it will just burn away.

    Carl Bagley, one of the directors on the now defunct documentary project about Steve Vaught, was quoted as saying, “It’s an amazing thing about America: We can make anybody a hero. Whether they deserve it or not.”

  • Couch surfing

    Couch surfing

    couch

    The process of personal travel — whether it’s a European tour or a weekend getaway — is all pretty much the same. The location doesn’t matter. The time of year doesn’t matter and neither does the budget — you could have a thousand dollars a day to blow or you could need to stretch a few bucks for the entire week.

    Whether New York or Paris; whether it’s a cruise to the Bahamas or a camping trip in the Adirondacks; the process, the plan, the results, will always follow a specific path. The core will remain constant which means the results will be similar.

    Here is an example.

    Let’s say you’re taking a trip to a place that you’ve never been. You arrange transportation. You pay for a place to stay — a hotel room, a houseboat, campsite, it doesn’t matter. You research things to do and see while we you are there. You arrive and you head out to do and see as many of those things as possible in the allotted time you have.

    Now, when the trip is over, this is what will have occurred.

    1. The place you stayed during this trip will most likely be your biggest expense, transportation often being a close second, which means that you are paying someone to allow you to sleep
    2. Since you’ve never been to this location before, you are relying on guides, websites and reviews to guide you to locations and activities that are in the business to get you to their service or their location.

    So this means that, in theory, three different groups can go to, let’s say New York City, at different times of the year, from different locations and stay and different places. And they could all come home with the similar photographs in front of the same areas of the city and — and here’s the big part — probably not have any experience that involves other human beings besides the ones that they went on the trip with,— or developed new relationships with anyone other than those they traveled with — in spite of the fact that they are in a city of nine million people.

    Oh sure, they’ll have a great story about the waiter and that couple they spoke to on the bus, but pretty much all their photographs, all the video, all the Facebook posts will be of the group they went with; seeing the places someone else wanted them to pay along with the standard tourist attractions.

    Okay, so here is option two.

    You decide to go to a place that you’ve never been to. You make contact with a person, family or couple that have the same values as you, the same interests, who live in the place you want to visit and who love having house guests. You visit their home — as their guest, at no charge — and they show you the area from the perspective of someone who lives there. Sure they take you to the touristy areas but also to the local haunts that you would never find on your own. They introduce you to their family, to friends, to coworkers and you have a trip that not only involves a new place but a new group of people that you didn’t start out with. Which means this set of photographs, these pieces of video and these Facebook posts will be completely different than the first group.

    Oh yeah I forgot — and since you’ve taken lodging out of the budget this trip could cost half of a traditional one.

    And then let’s flip that. What if you found a person, family, couple who had the same values as you who wanted to visit your area from a different country, different city, or different coast. Think about how unlike the average week it would be at your home if you had someone from France, Belgium, Africa, the Netherlands or even just another part of the country, staying in your guest room or crashing on your couch? And what’s interesting about that is that most people have only a few weeks of vacation but by having people stay with you, you in effect have a vacation with each batch of visitors.

    And yeah, I know, it’s not for everybody. And yes, you’re right, there is some safety and background steps that are built into the process and absolutely you need to take precautions, but this option, this manner of travel — changes everything.

    This is called Couch Surfing — or hospitality exchange or it has many names with many different databases to choose from. And it makes travel an adventure — and a low cost one — rather than a destination. (Oh, and even though it’s called hospitality exchange there is no requirement to host in order to be hosted or visa versa. You can just travel or you can just host or a mix).

    Which brings us to Kenny Flannery. Kenny is a young man who in 2007 decided to walk away from his New York City office job and see the world and for seven years he has been hitchhiking, bumming rides and sleeping on strangers couches all over the country and parts of the world. Now Kenny is the extreme example of this but it does illustrate that the guy without a job probably has been to most of many of the places on your bucket list.

    Why?

    Because money has nothing to do with travel. Absolutely nothing. And by tapping into this worldwide collection of people who just want to meet you — it changes everything.

    Couch surfing website —- http://about.couchsurfing.com/about/

    Kenny Flannery’s site — http://www.hobolifestyle.com

  • Rum oatmeal energy bars

    Rum oatmeal energy bars

    rum

    When I was fourteen years old and my sister was twelve, my mother went back to college full time to get her nursing degree. Up until then, my mom had been the stay at home type — pretty typical of the 1970’s — but when my dad was no longer able to work due to an injury, our painfully tight budget was about to get a whole lot tighter. Which meant that at the age of 54, Velma De Morier set out to burn through a technical two year nursing degree program in one year. And then go to work as a nurse.

    Now with my mother off at college all day and studying all night, my father and my sister and I had to kick in with the housework and the cooking. And since the nutritional content of my father’s famous burnt water with grey stuff, was extremely limited, I decided that this would be a good time to learn to cook.

    One very simple dish that I got pretty good at was — well, I really didn’t think it had a name, but it consisted of some form of pasta, some form of frozen vegetable, a can of tuna fish and Italian dressing. I could make this fast, easily and it was probably the main reason that the four of us survived that year.

    Later on, when I was in college myself, I perfected this pasta dish to actually include spices — something I hadn’t thought of before — and for pennies I could make a bowl that I could eat on for days. And then — at the end of my freshman year, I came across the ultimate recipe — Rum Oatmeal Energy Bars. And everything changed. I lived on them all through college and for a solid decade afterwards.

    It’s pretty simple process to make Rum Oatmeal Energy Bars recipe and even though I haven’t made in a while, this is what you do.

    You’ll need one bottle of Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum, one cup quick-cooking oats, 1/2 cup dark raisins, 1/4 cup whole-wheat flour, a stick of salted butter and —. Well, some other stuff but we’ll get to that.

    Now the first crucial step— and you have to believe me on this — the absolutely very first step is that you have to begin by drinking one ounce of the rum. I know, I know, weird. But there is something about drinking the rum that allows you to taste-test the other ingredients. Without that first taste, it doesn’t really work.

    So pour the rum and drink it. Done.

    Now, the second step is to arrange all your ingredients on the countertop — you’ll need to be able to see everything and then go back when needed. So get a glass baking dish and place it on the countertop next to everything else.

    By the way, the countertops we use in our kitchen aren’t granite countertops — which are all the rage right now — but are Corian countertops which cost us a little less but are just as good. In fact, the guy who sold them to us — I think his name was Ken — said that the resale value of these countertops is just as high as the granite ones. Actually better.

    Okay, so we spread out all our ingredients along with countertop along with the one ounce of the rum. Now, I don’t know if I told you this but you have to drink one shot of the rum. — Yeah, I know, weird. But trust me it’s the only way it works. So pour a shot of the rum and drink it. Done.

    Okay, now spread everything across the countertop. Your raisons, the flour, in fact — okay, this will be cool. Okay. Listen. Listen. Okay, take the flour and pour it in a bowl and hollow out the center of it — you know like a mashed potato bowl before you put in the gravy? — like this and then make little roads up the flour like this. See? See what I’m doing here? It’s like a dirt bike track. And then the bikes can climb— right up the — to the jump. See? Oh, that’s so, so cool.

    Okay, now the first thing to do is pour a shot of the rum and drink it. I know, I know. Shut up. Just do it. So you pour the shot and —. Done.

    Okay, now you take the ingredients, all of them — the raisons, the cordless phone, the flour dirt bike track and some other stuff and you just fan it all across the countertop. See, just fan it.

    Now these aren’t the fancy granite countertops like I wanted. Nope. Not at all. Debbie wanted to save money. So her and that jerk Ken said — oh Corian is just as good.

    Yeah? Well —. Bull. Who says, hey come over and see my Corian countertops, huh? Who? I’ll tell you who. Nobody. That’s who. That’s exactly who. No-frickin’-body. That’s who.

    So you spread everything out over the crap, cheap, I don’t work hard enough to afford granite, countertops and you pour yourself a shot of the rum.

    Yeah, well shut up and drink it.

    Okay, now you spread everything across the countertops — make sure to cover the stains and the chips that aren’t supposed to happen but always do because Ken is a liar and a looser and couldn’t tell the truth if his life depended on it. And take a shot of the rum.

    Don’t make me come over there. Just drink it. Boom and done.

    Okay now, did I ever show you my grandfather’s powder horn? It’s really cool and supposedly my grandfather carried it in World War I — but that doesn’t make sense because they didn’t use powder guns back then so my mother probably lying to me too.

    She probably told Laura the truth about the powder horn though. Laura — she’s so perfect.

    Hold on I’ll call my sister, Laura. She lives in Ohio.

    Okay, I tried to call my sister but I the phone is at the bottom of the flour dirt bike track and when the phone rings it looks so cool so I left it there.

    Okay, so the first step is to take a shot of the rum.

    Boom. Done. Nailed it.

    Okay, now this is what we’re going to do. Okay? Are you listening? Okay, here is what we’re going to do. This will work. We are going to move all the ingredients over to the dining room table and work there instead. Because that’s a solid wood table. Oak. Made in America and if we move everything in there, things won’t roll off the countertop because this counter was never installed properly and will most likely catch on fire. I mean it —  mark my words — this countertop will kill somebody! It’s an unholy, godless countertop installed by Nazi’s — I am so serious that one guy had a Nazi tattoo — he said it was a birthmark but it looked just like a swas, a swizzle, a swarmi — whatever those nazi things are called. It looked just like it.

    Okay, so we’re at the dining room table now and we have everything spread out. Okay, we take a shot of the rum. Done. Okay. Okay, so — we spread it all out over the surface of the table and —. Wait.

    Now this is a good time to eat the raisons. Raisons are good for you and besides your stomach is probably feeling a little off right now. So eat the raisons and then do another shot of the rum.

    Pow. Done.

    Now, when I was in college I had the chance to go work on a long liner — you know one of those big fishing boat thingees? For the summer. For the entire frickin’ summer. But know what? Guess what. Guess. Go ahead. Ready? I didn’t go. Nope. Not me. I had no reason not to go either. All my friends went. All of them. Buckethead, Bear, that — that other kid, I can’t remember his name. But not me. Oh no, not me. I chickened out and worked in a pharmacy for the summer instead— now that was fun. A pharmacy.

    Okay, so here is what we’re going to do. We’re going to move all the ingredients from this fine American made oak table to the couch because that’s more comfortable and because I taped a bunch of Lost in Space episodes and we can watch them all in there while we cook.

    Debbie picked out that couch and it’s perfect for putting ingredients together on and she did a great job, didn’t she? She’s so good at stuff like that. She’s so good at everything. Everything she does. I’m so lucky to have her. I love Debbie.

    Okay, so first we need to get all this flour out of the fish tank.

    When —? When did we get a fish tank? Oh, wait, that’s —.

    Oh, man. That’s funny. That is so funny. I thought it was a fish tank but —- but we don’t—-. Oh man that is the funniest —-. I actually thought —.

    Okay, so this is tickin’ me off a little. What? I’ve got the DVR going but every time I press Lost in Space— an episode of Dancing with the Stars comes on.

    Dancing with the frickin’ stars? Are you kidding me? Over Lost in Space. No way. No frickin’ way.

    Okay, so we’ve got Lost in Space going and have all the ingredients spread out under the couch cushions so the turtles won’t get them. Not real turtles. Duh, I mean — , I mean —. Shoot, what’s the word? Cats. Cats. Did I say turtles? Why did I say Turtles? We don’t have turtles.

    That’s funny.  That’s so — so funny.

    Okay, so we do a shot of the rum. Pow. Done. I am the greatest.

    Now we take the other couch cushions and put them on the floor and make a little fort. This will help with the —. Wait.

    Did I tell you that my mother — my mother, at the age of 79 went back to college to be a doctor to support us?

    Can you believe that? At almost 85 frickin’ years old she went back to college to support all fourteen of us kids.

    I love my mom.

    And Debbie.

    And these fluffy little turtles.

  • The heart of cool

    The heart of cool

    ethan

    There is a supermarket near us where Debbie often sends me to get last minute items — it’s a short drive from our house and is ideal when we need one green pepper or a dozen eggs. Things like that. And yes, it’s convenient. And yeah, it’s reasonably priced. But more importantly it’s where a kid named Ethan works.

    Now, I’m using the word kid here because I have no idea of Ethan’s real age. He’s young — but every year a larger slice of the population look young to me — and he does have those weird double earrings that appear as if dime sized holes were drilled through his earlobes — but they’re not — and if I had to guess I’d say he was somewhere between 17 and the ripe old age of 20. Around there. Which by using the age barometer that we  middle aged men carry; this puts him well within the kid range.

    The grocery store in question is convenient and well stocked and the first time I met Ethan there he was loading yogurts in a dairy case. I walked right by him, to the next glass door. I had already looked in there but you never know, maybe I missed what I wanted so I looked again. Nope. And when I didn’t find it for the second time, I closed the door, turned and saw Ethan’s half smile.

    “I look lost, huh?”

    “Maybe,” Ethan smirked.

    “I’m looking for the Bob Evans, Macaroni and Cheese. You know the ones that –.”

    It was then that Ethan’s smirk became a wider smile. “I gotcha,” he nodded. As if in the history of franchise food shopping, Bob Evans Macaroni and Cheese was the greatest thing that anyone could be looking for. Ever. And only those like me — the rare, the connected, the exceptional — would even think to ask for it.

    Ethan abandoned his pallet of yogurts and walked me over three aisles. He then opened a refrigerator case to reveal two shelves of Bob Evans food products. There. Just waiting for me.

    I thanked Ethan and he smiled and went back to his yogurt.

    After that, anytime I couldn’t find something I would seek Ethan out — I could have found it myself. Eventually. But even if I did, I would have missed out on that cool experience.

    Because that’s what Ethan is. He is one of those rare individuals who are naturally cool. Not cocky. Not arrogant. Not proud, smug or conceited. But cool — because there is a big difference.

    And cool is so much better than all of those other things. Cool is even better than just being confident and self-assured.

    Because cool is — . Well, it’s cool.

    Cool is the ability to be positive, but so much so that people feel confident around you. Cool is inviting. Cool is happy and content — it’s the attitude that no matter where you are, that’s the place to be.

    Cool doesn’t hide anything but it celebrates everything. It can’t be bought, it can’t be faked and it can’t be forced. Because it’s not a destination it’s a side effect.

    Which means, that is we try to get to cool — we never will. Ever. And by trying we’ll get lost or think we’re there — which is so much worse than not being cool at all.

    Cool has nothing to do with what you wear, what you drive, how much money you make, who you know, or where you’ve been. Cool doesn’t care about any of that.

    And cool isn’t perfect or flawless; cool makes mistakes and has errors and even regrets. But cool doesn’t hide those mistakes but celebrates them.

    If you think your cool, you’re not. If you don’t care if you’re cool, you might be — but most likely you’re still not.

    But whether or not we have the ability to be cool, we all have the ability to do things that are cool — which is almost as good.

    Because every time we make someone feel important, powerful or essential — that’s cool.

    Every time we ignore what is normal, standard or average and embrace what simply feels right — that’s cool.

    Every time we turn the attention from us to someone else in a public way — that’s cool.

    Every time we enjoy something from the background, every act that is kind, every chance we have to step forward even though we’re scared to death, for every aspect of beauty that we notice that we’ve never seen before …

    That’s very, very cool.

  • A prize from my dad. To you.

    A prize from my dad. To you.

    stamp

    This past summer — around June, I think — I broke down and opened a Facebook account for the very first time. I didn’t want to — I really didn’t want to — but I did and I’m so glad that I —.

    Wait — . I’m getting ahead of myself.

    See, for many years I have been watching from the sidelines as all of this social network stuff popped up all around me. The posts. The likes. The people claiming they had thousands and thousands of friends. The — hey look at what I did today, saw today, thought today and while you’re at it —just look at me.

    It all seemed a little silly and more than a little self-involved. So I made my stand. Nope. Not going to do it.

    Then, this past summer we launched 543skills and I was told by the designers, the website experts and the marketing folks to — in a very nice way — get over it. I needed to get a personal Facebook page and one for 543skills.

    So I gritted my teeth, clenched my fists, pushed the buttons and joined the social revolution.

    Now I’ve stated before that I was absolutely wrong about Facebook. I find it fun, entertaining and not nearly as intrusive as I thought it would be. I have reconnected with old friends — a few of them in real life after not seeing them for decades — as well as developed stronger friendships with people I only see occasionally. We have organized events and activities and have more contact with neighbors than ever before. Facebook is — and yes I know there are other social networks out there, but one step at a time — incredible and I’m so glad I plugged into it.

    Now with that in mind, there is clearly a Facebook Life and a Real Life and a gap often lies between them.

    And just in the short time that I’ve been on it I admit I am much kinder, more involved and more supportive on Facebook than I am in real life.

    I don’t walk up to people at a store and say, hey nice sweater. But I will on Facebook.

    And why do my Facebook friends get to see pictures of my kids but my elderly aunt who doesn’t know what a computer is, never does? And why do I now communicate daily with the kids I grew up with but my cousin — who I also grew up with but isn’t on Facebook — I speak to a few times a year?

    Did you know that since 1995, when the internet began at full steam, Americans have been sending less and less paper Christmas cards out each and every year with experts stating that they will most likely stop manufacturing them in bulk by 2020? — it’s so much easier to send an e-card or a message online.

    And when is the last time, I mean the very last time, we picked up the phone and decided to actually call someone we haven’t heard from in a long time instead of dropping them an email or a message?

    Soooo… Here is the challenge and here is the game.

    But first, the prize.

    What is it?

    Well, my dad died in 1991. He left me his stamp collection — his entire stamp collection. It’s one of the few things that I have no fond memories of him of and I’d like someone else to have it. There are three solid photo books full of stamps from all over the world that he had been collecting for decades — they have been stored in a dry, safe location and has not been opened or seen the light of day in over twenty years. And no, I have absolutely no idea of the value. I just know that I have many things to remember him by and this collection isn’t one of them — and more importantly, he would get the biggest kick out of knowing that people were out there being nice to each other in order to get it.

    And — . For those of you who aren’t into stamps, here is Option Two. I will publically sell the entire stamp collection publically on e-bay and send you the cash —. Again, I have no idea of the value but it should be pretty good.

    So, here is your challenge.

    Ready?

    Live your life — your real life — like you do on Facebook. For a month

    So how do you do this?

    I have no idea. It’s your life. How should I know?

    Maybe write a letter — a real, hand written letter to an old friend? Possibly, take a pile of printed photographs of your family to an elderly neighbor and show them to her. Maybe ask that crossing guard that you see every day what their name is, or pick up an acquaintance and take them to church with you. Like I said, I have no idea. It’s your life.

    But be creative, be impactful and don’t just step out of your comfort zone — jump out of it.

    And since those are the only rules you can’t really cheat. In fact, all you really need to do is document it by sending us a message, video, text, written story, whatever, of all the things you’ve done in your real life — something positive and worth mentioning — that you would normally only do in your Facebook life. Then, either post it to the 543skills.com Forum page (tips and tricks), or the 543skills Facebook page — and yes, there are more points added for continual posts.

    The winner gets the prize, their name on the site, our unending admiration and will be crowned — 543skills, Real Life Czar.

    Let’s run this game from 12/18/2014 to 01/18/2015.

    Good luck. Have fun and go have a great, real life.

    * * * * * * *

    FACEBOOK POST:

    BECCA: … I’d also like to share my vision for if I win. My grandpa and I have never lived closer than a seven hour drive from each other. He’s been an avid stamp collector for as long as I have known him. He used to go to trade shows and was very into it. He has recently decided not to have a heart surgery that doctors have suggested, feeling the risks outweigh the benefits for him. If I win, I would like to use the stamps as a discussion point for us…I plan to send him pictures of what I can to see if he can gauge their worth. If they will cover the cost, I will sell them to fund a trip for my family to visit him and for him to meet my son.

     

    543SKILLS: The great thing about being a small website like 543skills is that we can pretty much do — whatever we want. If we want to change the rules of the contest we don’t need to meet with the board or research the bylaws or check the documentation. What documentation? We can do whatever we want to do. And we see no reason to run this contest out to January — what’s the point? You get it and we want you and your grandfather to have the prize.


    Now I don’t know if this stamp collection is worth a thousand dollars or a thousand cents but we want you and your grandfather to have it — I want my father’s collection to go to your grandfather. So if you message me with your address we will get it in the mail to you this week — it won’t make it to you by Christmas but it will be there this year.


    Thanks so much for telling us your story and thanks so much for being a part of this with us.

    Everett De Morier
    543skills.com
    P.S. Here is a little about my dad you can share with your grandfather.— http://543skills.com/fathers-day/

     

    … the collection went out to Becca’s grandfather on December 26, 2014.

    Jan 9th, 9:10pm

    He got the stamps! He was absolutely tickled with them and sent an email to our whole family about it

    Jan 9th, 9:11pm

    Said he went through them and they aren’t worth much monetarily but a kid who is new to collecting will LOVE to get their hands on them so he is donating them next time a stamp show comes by. Continuing to pay forward the kindness of you and your father 🙂

    Jan 9th, 9:11pm

    It was so wonderful to have something to talk about with him…thank you, truly.

  • The 10 films that guys are supposed to like, but aren’t very good.

    The 10 films that guys are supposed to like, but aren’t very good.

    guy

    There are films. There are guy films — and then there are great guy films and sometimes the term great gets placed on a film and we just end up accepting it. Then, twenty years later, these groups of movies are now considered classics and we’re not really sure how that happened.

    This is the list of films of those films. Movies that we are supposed to like. Ones that every testosterone carrying male should be able to discuss and quote on demand and failure to do so could result in serious infractions applied to ones man card.

    But in actuality, many of these films — these classic guy movies — aren’t very good. In fact some are actually quite bad.

    Now the irony here is that being a bad film shouldn’t matter because we men love bad films — a great bad-film is sometimes better than a great good-film — see, Demolition Man, Time Cop or any of the Earnest movies as example .

    But these, this list,  are movies that are not good or not bad in a good way. but we are told they are great.

    … and they’re not.

     

    1. Point Break.

    Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze. Two guys who are very good at playing —. Well — Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze; that’s  pretty much it. In a film about an FBI agent who infiltrates a group of bank robbing surfers. It’s a movie that shows a great deal of  surfing scenes along with guys with long flowing locks of hair. And not much else.

     

    1. Bullitt

    Bullitt is the 1968 Steve McQueen film that every male car lover is supposed to love because of the Mustang chase scene — I actually had to study that exact scene several decades ago in a film class. But in actuality Bullitt is not a very good film. And it’s not even a fun film to watch and is really kind of boring. But it’s one we are supposed to like and now is old enough that we even seem cultured if we’ve seen it.

     

    1. Slapshot

    Slapshot is a 1977 Paul Newman film concerning a small mill town who is about to lay off workers where the town’s hockey team decides to save the day. If you love watching hockey players fight and a lot of toilet humor, Slapshot is for you — but you will loose about three IQ points when you are through — and then you’ll  need to watch Shindlers List about halfway through to even recover.

    The  Grifters

    I really wanted to like The Grifters — a film about traveling con-men, you’re off to a good start — and even saw it at the theatre when it first came out and for the first ten minutes I wasn’t disappointed. Then it just sort of — drifted off and tried to tie in this love story that didn’t work. But the  film now has a cult following and I’m not really sure why. If you feel pressured to watch it, see the first fifteen minutes of it then turn it off and then you can tell everyone what a great movie it is and not be lying.

    1. Days of Thunder

    I guess no one told the male population that Days of Thunder was a marketing stunt — a way to make a quick film on the racing industry to get all those NASCAR fans into movie seats. It’s badly written, quickly produced and has no real heart. But men love this film. And again, it’s now been around long enough that new generations are being spoon fed on what a great film it is.

     

    5. Matchstick Men

    Another con man movie I wanted to like because I loved the book. But of course, the only thing that was anything like the book was the title. A truly bad attempt and like everything Nicholas Cage has made since The Rock, it sucked.

     

    1. Blade Runner

    Every nerd born before 1980 is supposed to love Blade Runner — I actually saw it at the theatre the week it came out in 1982. In fact, I had a Blade Runner poster on my dorm room wall — because that’s what all Sci-fi fans at the time were expected to do. And then later, I realized that I didn’t really like it.

     

    1. Dances with Wolves

    I’m actually a big fan of all the Kevin Costner films that bombed — Waterworld, The Postman, those are great bad-movies. But the most successful one; Dances with Wolves, is not on that list. It’s a homogenized, preachy story that is a chick flick disguised as a western.

    1. Top Gun

    Want to piss a lot of guys off? Just say you don’t like Top Gun. Go ahead. I dare you.  Well, here goes. I don’t like Top Gun. It’s sterile. It’s forced. And the best acting in it is done by the airplanes. And worse yet, when Goose dies — I really don’t care.

     

    1. 2001 a Space Odyssey

    Yes, I understand that the monolith is supposed to be a religious symbol. And yes, the bone used by the monkey men to win over the waterhole represents technology. Yes,. But any time a writer or a director answer interviews with —it’s open to interpretation, that’s a cop out. I’ve seen the film several times and I now openly admit that I don’t get it. And I don’t really like it.

  • The understanding of plenty

    The understanding of plenty

    tomato

    My mother, Velma De Morier, is 92 years old. Which is pretty impressive even before you add in the ands. See, she is 92 years old and still lives at home. She is 92 years old and still drives her car. She still takes care of her own bills, makes her own meals, buys her own groceries, makes muffins every Sunday for church and has the most active social life of any of us  — if you’d like my mother to do something with you, choose a Tuesday or a Thursday. Those are her most flexible.

    At 92 my mother remembers every family member’s birthday — including every niece, grandchild and great grandchild but then can go back to her grandparents and their extended families. And every summer we have a family reunion at her home where we will all travel for up to nine hours to descend on her Walton, NY, home for the weekend.

    Now before you think that my mother is some kind of perfect human, it’s important to know that she —. Well, she sees the world a little differently. And this has nothing to do with her age, this is just her.

    Here’s an example.

    When I was in my twenties, a young guy on his own, I went to my parent’s home for the weekend. And like many young guys I brought a bag of laundry to do while I was there. So I did the laundry, the weekend passed and on Sunday night I said goodbye to my parents and drove the sixty miles back to my apartment in Binghamton, NY.

    Now, when Monday morning came my mother got up and noticed that I had left some underwear in the dryer.

    Oh no, my mother thought. My child is out there in the world without all of his clean underwear. So, Velma De Morier put the underwear in a clear —- and this is a very important part of the story — clear, plastic bag and high-tailed it the sixty miles to deliver the much needed underwear to her son.

    Now, I had a small apartment at the time — my mother knew exactly where this apartment was and it provided several ideal places where you could discretely drop off underwear if needed — a fact I insisted on before signing the lease. But this was much more urgent than that. So, my mother headed to where I worked. And since it was a large corporation she drove around the buildings trying to find the main entrance. When she couldn’t, she saw some people outside one of the buildings on a smoke break.

    Do you know my son? — my mother asked. And since there were over a thousand employees and I hadn’t been there that long, he didn’t. So my mother gave the man the clear bag of underwear and instructed him to give it to me. The poor guy walked the clear bag of underwear to the main building secretary. Who walked it to the second building secretary. Who gave it to the sales secretary. Who called and got the purchasing secretary to pick it up. Who was given the bag and was nice enough to drop it off on my cubicle chair.

    In twenty minutes my underwear saw more of those buildings then I did for the two years I was there.

    Now, the fascinating aspect of this story is that when you tell it to my mother she looks at you with that — yeah? What’s your point? expression. Because from her perspective there is absolutely nothing wrong with her actions. There was a job to do and she did it. Over.

    Now, I have dozens of stories like this — ones where she had a pond dug out for us and then a few hours later realized that ponds were dangerous and had it filled back in, ones where I heard knocking on my apartment door and opened it to find four fireman there because my phone had tipped off the hook and my mother thought the apartment had filled with gas, and a few on how she nearly drowned me trying to teach me to swim — my mother can’t swim a stroke but figured the basic skills were teachable.

    So you are dealing with someone that sees the world with a unique perspective.

    Which is exactly the point of one of her biggest strengths.

    Every Thanksgiving my mother and my mother-in-law come down to stay with us for a few days. Now, during this time I take both the grandmothers to an Amish General Store nearby that has everything from craft items to discount canned goods. Both women love it and I have a great time going through every aisle with my mom as she picks out her canned goods — canned peaches – three for a dollar, peas and carrots – fifty cents a can: she is an excited person.

    Now when I take my mother home, she places her canned goods and dry goods in her already full pantry. Which brings me to the point.

    My mother has a kitchen full of canned fruits and vegetables, canned soups, muffin mixes, some frozen meat and coffee. That’s pretty much all she wants and all she needs. And every day — if she’s not out to dinner with someone — she walks out to her kitchen and opens a can of soup or warms up some stewed tomatoes. That’s her dinner and that’s all she wants.

    She never —- and I mean ever — walks into her kitchen and says, there’s nothing to eat here. She never — and I mean ever, looks at the canned goods and says, ughh, I feel like pizza. And she never, and I mean ever, feels like she is skimping or going without.

    Now the irony is that my mother is a very particular person. She likes her coffee right out of the pot plus 15 seconds in the microwave. She doesn’t like grape jelly or chocolate and the last time she visited us, when she asked for a wash cloth and I gave her one she looked at it and said — don’t you have a thinner one?

    Who in the world has a washcloth preference?

    So she likes things a certain way, which makes her gratitude, simplicity and appreciation all that more amazing.

    When there is snow predicted in her area I always call and ask if she has enough food — I know the answer but I like hearing her say it.

    Oh, I have plenty, she says. And she does. We all do.

    In a world where we have a thousand TV channels and there is nothing on. When we look at a full refrigerator and say there’s nothing to eat. When we walk through a house with games and books and sporting equipment and paper and pens and say there’s nothing to do — we need to think like Velma thinks.

    We need to see all the plenty.

  • Finding Sergio

    Finding Sergio

    find

    Throughout your life, there will be activities that fall into specific categories. For example, there are those things that you choose to do — you choose to go to work and you choose to pay your bills. These are your choices — you have power to do them or to not do them. You are in control.

    Then there are those things that you get to do. Because you have chosen to keep working, you get to buy yourself a motorcycle. These are the direct benefits of the choice; the harvest of the decision — because of the choice, you receive the get.

    And then there is the third — and the rarest category — which are those things that you are given to do. These are those tasks where you are called, where the tumblers click just right and you are allowed to play a role in something incredible and special.

    It’s the right place and the right time, position. It’s when God has set everything in motion and you have the keys and the passcode and for however long it lasts you are given the chance to play a roll. You don’t deserve it, but you get to.

    Six years ago, I got the call that started my given. And for every single second of those last six years, I have been grateful for it.

    “Hello?”

    “Hey, is this — Everett?”

    “Yeah.”

    “Hey, this is —. This is Dave.”

    “Oh, hey Dave.” — Dave? Dave who?

    “Umm, I know this is going to sound — weird, but —. But I have this strange, this — Wow, — idea I wanted to run past you.”

    And the given began.

    The next day I was standing in our church sanctuary.

    “So what do you think?”

    The end of the sanctuary just — well, it ended. There was this — this, step in the back but then a wall. It was just a big room.

    “Well a —. A stage would be —. Well probably need a stage first.”

    And within a week — within four days actually — lumber was purchased and delivered and a handful of volunteers were building a fifty foot stage.

    See, the challenge with most church Christmas plays is that the bar has been set so low that it’s difficult to raise — which sounds somewhat strange but it’s not. Because there is a hundred year tradition of kids standing in there bathrobes and pretending to be Joseph or a Wiseman and no matter if they remember their lines, if they forgot the bathrobe, or if they think it would be funny to burp the alphabet just then, the play will be a success. Because it’s just for the church. It’s not all that important and there isn’t a lot of skin in the game.

    Dave’s idea was different.

    What if you took the church Christmas play to an off Broadway level? What if you had a solid message but delivered it in an entertaining way?  What if you had an original, tightly written script that could only be seen by you? What if you had music and choreography at a professional level? What if you had a budget that would allow you to get the right lights, costumes, sound equipment and props? Would if you found the best set designer — one that believed in what you do and helped guide you? What if you created an original musical where if people stepped foot in a church once a year, this would be it because it would be hard to stay away? And most importantly, what if you found a hundred people who were willing to volunteer countless hours and take the level of excellence that we give to everything else in their lives to sing, dance, act, carry props, operate lights and work at the absolute highest level they can, through months of the rehearsals and put on four shows each December?

    Oh, well then you would have — this. This amazing thing that we get to do each year.

    See, there was a young musical director who had this crazy idea and I was honored to be the person he called — which as a writer is actually a pretty sweet deal because writing is a very lonely gig. You write, you write, you edit and you write and then a long time later you’re read — just a little. But each year I get to make up characters and words. Then I watch my words be said by others. Then I help work those others to become those characters. Then I stop thinking of them as my words and they become the characters words. Then I get to spend time with those characters.

    It’s ironic that the writing that I’m the most proud of is that which I give away — but as I think about it, guess that’s true for just about everything.

    We didn’t have a stage. A script, a cast, a set. We didn’t have performers, a crew or props. What we did have was a blank sheet of paper and an idea and no rules — the same thing we start each new year with. And it has become this miraculous thing that logically shouldn’t happen —- none of this should work each year, we don’t know what we’re doing. But it does. Every year over a hundred volunteers create an original show that can’t be seen anywhere else at a level you won’t see within a hundred miles — that is absolutely free to attend. This year’s is called Finding Sergio.

    Since the inception of 543skills.com we’ve never posted an invitation before. To anything. So here is the first. If you’re a few hours from Dover, Delaware on the weekend of December 12th, 2014, I am inviting you to see an amazing event, absolutely free of charge,  that shows what a bunch of people who love God can do. Finding Sergio. And if you’re not in that area, if you send us an email here I’ll make sure you get the link for the video when it’s online.

    Christmas is full of suggestions to get involved, to help, to find the true meaning and all of this is important and all of it is true. But the given, is more than just volunteering or donating. It’s more personal and it’s bigger. It’s the crazy idea. The insane one that will bring you no personal wealth or glory but is something that should be done or needs to.

    In your life you will be given something to do — probably more than once. It will seem small or it will seem ridiculous and you’ll be right both times.

    Enjoy it.

    And Merry Christmas.

  • 10 things we hated as boys but love as men

    10 things we hated as boys but love as men

    hair

    In the long, warm Saturday’s of childhood, life remains a straightforward and clear endeavor. We have our friends. We have our family and we have the great big world; that incredible event that was put into motion simply to run through, climb over and dream about.

    Then — and don’t ask me how this happens — a few Saturdays go by and then a few more. Then they come in by the dozen. And as they flip by, one-by one, we awaken to discover that we are now shaving, paying car insurance and there are other humans that have our last name.

    Wow. Weird.

    And even though there are many, many boyhood ideals that are worth keeping and preserving — honor, trust, dignity, faith — there are also areas that we never get to appreciate until we are older.

    Here are the top ten.

    10. Rarer meats.

    Remember when we liked our hamburgers the same way we did our marshmallows over a fire? — charred to perfection? Then, over time, we came to appreciate all that moisture and flavor that is kept in the red parts. A rare piece of prime rib is something we will be excited for on New Years Eve but would have us gagging only a few years before.

     

     

     

    9. Naps.

    Naps are God’s way of telling us that he loves us. As kids we avoided naps; thinking that some amazing things would occur that we would miss. Then, as adults we found out that there is a way to reset the day. It’s this magical doorway that we get to walk through every now and then.

     

     

     

    8. Spicy foods.

    As kids, spicy means pain. Period. As adults spicy is not only the bragging rights to the macho, but it actually contains dopamine — the main ingredient in herion. As a kid, even pepper will have is crying. As an adult, we’ll put Red Hot on our cereal.

     

     

     

    7. The party going on, without us.

    Men, are pack animals. And the majority of our young lives — and our young-adult lives — are dictated by the extremely strong drive to be at every gathering, every time, no matter what — it’s as strong as the one that drives the salmon up river. If there is a party — any kind of party, anywhere, any time — we will be there because we couldn’t stand knowing there is fun going on without us. Then, one day, the world doesn’t revolve around us and we’re okay with that. That drive is reduced and we get to go only if we want to. Which is so much better.

     

     

    6. Coffee.

    Coffee is a gray area because it’s like booze in that it’s difficult to know if people actually enjoy the taste of it, or they just enjoy the feeling from drinking it. I’m not sure. But zillions of people drink coffee and as a kid we wouldn’t touch the stuff. Even if you poured in a pound of white sugar and added a few dozen Mars bars. No way.

     

     

     

    5. Being alone.

    What was once feared is now coveted. The boyhood idea of being alone means you were unloved, uncared for and unprotected. It was punishment. The adult version means that you are unplugged, unencumbered and free. We can do what we want with no one dictating or requesting. This amount of time, this space, is completely ours.

     

     

     

    4. Cooking.

    The act of cooking actually fits very well into our male frame of mind. It has structure, rules — the ones you can break and the ones you can’t — and involves building and constructing something. As kids we enjoyed that there were a tram of large humans that would no our bidding. As men it’s nice to not only be creative in the kitchen, but to serve others.

     

     

     

    3. Haircuts.

    Why did we hate these as kids? We would scream and yell as if they were removing bone-marrow not cutting hair? — but we took that lollipop at the end, didn’t we? Sell outs. And then one day we not only didn’t mind getting our haircut but we actually enjoyed the experience — the social aspect of it, the people watching and the ability to walk out with a new look.

     

     

     

    2. Girls.

    It’s ironic that the opposite-sex moves from the category of creepy and useless, to dangerous and fearful. One day we cant stand them and the next we are petrified of them. Then we pass though that whole dating and marriage thing and find ourselves having more and more women friends — who are the ones we seek when looking for guidance advice and empathy.

     

     

    1. Being wrong.

    For most of our boyhood and young adult life, there is this embedded need to be found right. We will research, Google, debate and interview if it means that we can be justified and found to be correct — preferably stated as such, preferably aloud in front of others.  Then — one day — the credit for being right appears a bit hollow. In fact, when it comes to being right or being kind, our older self will choose kind.

     

  • The Country Club

    The Country Club

    thankscountrydining

    “There you go, sir.”

    It wasn’t the sir that she used.  People call me sir, all the time. Casually without affection; in fact they call every male, sir —- from McDonalds to Starbucks. Thank you, sir. Here’s your change, sir. clubHave a good day, sir.

    It wasn’t the sir — not at all, I don’t even hear that any longer — it was that after saying it, she waited for my answer. She just stood there and waited.

    The bar was busy but not the way a commercial bar would have been. It was busy like a Country Club bar is — which is exactly what it was. There weren’t people leaning over the wooden top, waving paper money in order to get a Budweiser longneck and get back to the pool table. No. These were Country Club people. Successful people — and Southern, Country Club, successful people — so it was different. It was patient and elegant and relaxed.

    And hey, I’m not a total buffoon when it coms to this stuff. I’ve been to some elite places in my life — five star restaurants, exclusive resorts, yacht clubs, executive ranches, mountain retreats, Country Clubs  — none of which I did — or could have — paid for myself, of course. That’s not the point. But all of them work venues. All business trips. I’ve gone a lot of places. But not on my own.

    And I’m grateful to have had the opportunity to see the places I have but it means that I’ve been there and my family has not. In fact, outside of our one and only trip to Key West when we were first married, twenty-two years ago, my wife and I have never been on a flight together. Ever. I have not been on one with the kids either — oh, we’ve taken countless car trips, too many to count, but never a flight.

    I’ve been to Iceland, San Francisco, Luxembourg, all through Canada, the Bahamas, Las Vegas, 39 of the lower 48 States. All for business. All without my family.

    “Can I get you anything else, sir?”

    And that was the question. And that’s when she waited for my answer.

    There were a few of us there that night that were not club members; we had all came to the office for a few days of meetings and one of the owners of our company, Paul, wanted to take us all out to dinner. Just something casual. Just a quick meal at the club.

    Now it’s important to note that there is nothing pompous or arrogant about Paul — there usually aren’t about self-made men. He is kind person who became very successful through hard work and smart, solid business decisions and I have nothing but respect for him. But there is always a mental switch that gets flipped — whether by ego or fear —  when you step into another man’s life and look around. Especially when it’s a successful one. The yardstick is out and the self-examination has begun.

    Chris — Paul’s son — was sitting at the bar laughing. Chris is one of the Directors of the company and no, he was not given that position by birthright but earned every aspect of it. He’s young — somewhere in the late twenties to early thirties area — sharp, hardworking and grew up coming to this very Country Club. Chris was reluctant to come to dinner tonight because he has a complete day of presentations to orchestrate for tomorrow and then he is taking Friday off to fly to Miami with a young lady for the weekend — just shooting down to Miami for a few days. The same way that I would just shoot over to Wal-Mart or maybe, on a whim, jet to the park with Alex and pitch some horseshoes.

    Will my son’s, Nick and Alex, ever sit at a Country Club like this and wonder if they have time to get back to their condo on the James River and get packed before a quick weekend away in the sun? At lunch will they compare who the best fly fishing guides in Mexico are and why Oktoberfest in Munich is so much better than the one in Belgium?

    Probably not. That life is as foreign to them as it is to me. But what disadvantages do they have because of that? How many steps back on the game board have I started them out with, because I haven’t provided that? If I had worked harder? If I was smarter? Could I have gotten them here? Could I have gotten us here? And how much happier would we all be?

    But then —? Would I want this for them or would I want it for the ego of providing it for them?

    And this — this type of thinking — is exactly what happens when you start to compare lives. We feel successful when we learn a High School rival hasn’t worked in three years, but we feel lazy when another one just sold his company to Google.

    So when is it okay? — as a father, as a husband, as a man —  when is the right time to take enjoyment in what we’ve provided for our families and say, yeah, that was enough? — not to be complacent but to be grateful? Not to label or measure a life by points but to shrug off the ego and just — and just enjoy it?

    Is this something you do only when you are 81 years old? Is it lazy to do it at 51?

    “Can I get you anything else, sir?”

    And although there were other customers at the bar she needed to get to, she just stood there. Smiling at me and waiting. She would not go away. She would not release me if there was anything else I needed. The others could wait. If I wanted a guitar string or a car battery or the lyrics to a Beetles song, she would leave and get it for me before moving on to the next customer.

    She just waited.

    “Well,” I said, smiling. “I’ll let you know.”