Category: People

  • The Ghosts of Writing

    The Ghosts of Writing

    It was time to take Riley for his morning walk. I knew it and Riley knew it, which was why he was staring at me through the office doorway with those big dog eyes.

    “Okay,” I told him. “Let’s go.” And that’s when the text came in.

    “Be careful” was printed on the screen.

    I texted back, “I will.”

    I started to get up, heard a buzz, and read: “And be alert to your surroundings, and if anything happens, call me right away.”
    I texted the thumbs-up sign, stuck the phone in my pocket, and we headed out.

    Now, when a former crime boss tells you to be alert to your surroundings, you listen. After all, this particular crime boss has survived multiple assassination attempts and knows how to react and how to survive when someone means you harm. And today, yeah, someone meant me harm.

    Was Peter, the former crime boss, overreacting? Sure. I mean, I knew that Esekiel —not his real name, but the one I’ll use—wasn’t hiding in my neighborhood with a sniper rifle. No way. After all, Ezekiel lived several states away, and his threats were more . . . What? Personal? Vindictive? Vengeful? Chicken shit? Sure. But I did stay alert to my surroundings as Peter told me to. And so did Riley.

    It’s funny that in my business life—my sales funnel, working lunch, PO-gathering, proposal-delivering life—I’ve never, ever had a single issue where any specific person wanted to do me harm. Not one. Sure, I’ve had people upset with me; I’ve blown deals, burned bridges, all that normal stuff. Bad things happened and we moved on because that’s how most of the world works.

    But in my writing world, in my creative life, over 30 years, I have had 4 people who have wanted me . . . well, maybe not dead, but hurt. Wounded. Broken. Damaged. And these people went to extreme means to pursue that goal.

    That means that 4 times my average—yes, in my world, 0 x 4 = 4—from normal world to writing world, there have been issues where former clients wanted bad, sometimes very bad, things to happen to me.

    Ezekiel is the most recent. And the most bizarre.

    I met Ezekiel a year and a half ago. He was working for a wealthy businessman in a different country who had a book that was successful there. Ezekiel’s client wanted to bring this book to the United States, so Ezekiel was hired as the translator for a Zoom call between this gentleman and myself.

    The meeting went well, I agreed to help, and Ezekiel set up another call for a different project. That one looked promising as well, and so did the next one. Then Ezekiel told me about his own project. His book. I listened.

    “Since I bring you so much business,” he said, “you market my book for free, yes?”

    It was phrased as a question, but it really wasn’t.

    “I guess,” I said. “Sure. If all these other projects come in.”

    Some did. Some didn’t. And the few that did were smaller in fees than the client promised . And it was also at this time that I realized that Ezekiel was not only extremely high maintenance—he was calling, emailing, and texting multiple times a day—but there was also something . . . else. Ezekiel was—what’s the right word? Oh yeah. Nuts.

    Ezekiel is way, way out there. Besides the serious personality defects of being arrogant, hostile, manipulative, controlling, and rigid, Ezekiel is also never, ever wrong. Even though I could see there were times that he knew he was wrong, it was obvious even he knew he was, but he could never admit it. I’ve never seen anything like it. If he messed up and said that the sky was pink, from that point on, even after he realized the truth, the sky would be pink.

    I knew pretty quickly that I couldn’t work with Ezekiel on his project. No way. So, before it officially began, I reached out and nicely told him that my workload had increased and I couldn’t take him on. Then I offered to pay him a commission on the writing jobs that he recommended me for instead of taking on his job for free.

    This was the first snap.

    Ezekiel demanded—and that’s the perfect word here: demanded—that I take on his book project. I declined.

    Before I go any further, let me give an analogy here to prepare you for what’s coming next.

    Let’s say that I have a car I want to you to buy. And I really, really want you to buy this car, but you don’t want to. So I call you every day. I start following you to work to talk about the car. I’m at your favorite lunch place to ask if you want to buy the car. I’m outside your house. I text you continuously, asking you to buy the car.

    Sure, okay, I can do all of those things. It’s obnoxious, but not crazy.

    What I probably wouldn’t do—and what most other humans beings would probably never do—is contact your boss and tell them that you are untrustworthy because of this car transaction you backed out on, and that you should be fired. I most likely would not reach out to the principal of your kids’ school and tell them that you have some legal issues involving a car that they should know about. And I definitely wouldn’t meet with the pastor of your church talking about your car fraud, all the while telling you that this can all stop, all of this will go away, if you just—just—buy this car.

    No. I wouldn’t do that. Few people would. . . .

    Now let’s go back to Ezekiel a year and a half ago, when first I told him I couldn’t work with him. Ezekiel knew enough about me to launch a bizarre attack. He contacted my literary agent—a person he had no connection to or dealings with in any way—to complain about my ethics and to suggest that I be dropped as a client. He reached out to several of the parties involved in a big book announcement that had just been made, letting them know about my flawed character. He sent emails, made calls, and contacted anyone he could to bring pressure on me. All the while, he kept telling me that all of this would stop if I just worked on his book.

    Strangely, if there was one emotion that rose up for me during that time, it was shame. Isn’t that weird? You’d think it would be anger or fear, but nope. It was just truckloads of shame that were delivered, to mix with the piles of embarrassment and imposter syndrome that were already inside me. I felt terrible that these key people in my creative life were being made to suffer because of me. I was ashamed.

    But I had no time to wallow in this shame; I had to fix it. I reached out to get help from an incredible gentleman who does conflict resolution. He met with Ezekiel. He met with me. He prepared me for what I needed to do and we all got on a Zoom call together.

    It was done. I would walk away. Ezekiel would find someone else. The harassment would stop, and life would go back to normal.

    And it did.

    For one year.

    Until this Saturday.

    Now, knowing Ezekiel, something must have happened to him this past week that reminded him that I was still out there. Something brought back the realization that he was over there, and I was over here—me, the disobedient; me, the non-compliant. That realization must have created an itch.

    Because on Saturday, completely out of the blue, after I hadn’t heard from him in a year, Ezekiel resurfaced. He emailed me a multipage manifesto of his plans to contact the Writer’s Guild with a formal complaint about my moral conduct. He told me that I had two days to agree to work with him on his book or he would write and file a damaging report that would stop my career.

    Now, the one difference between this new Ezekiel battle and the first one was that Ezekiel can’t surprise me this time. I know his MO. I can’t stop him if he writes to the Writer’s Guild—an organization I have no connection to and that has no authority over me, by the way—but I knew what he was capable of outside of that. So I circled the wagons and got in front of the problem.

    I quickly contacted the list of people I thought he would reach out to: I started with my literary agent. Then I contacted Peter, the former crime boss, whose book is going to be pretty high-profile in a few months when it is released—something Ezekiel could easily see on Google. I sent a cease and desist to Ezekiel and told him that I had contacted my literary agent, I also contacted people I work with so they would let me know if he reached out to them. I informed him that I had done all this as a courtesy. The next step would be to pursue legal action.

    So, what’s the point of all of this? Well, I told you all of that to get to these three points:

    The first is that I Peter and I had become friends. He and I have been working on his book for over two years, and we’ve become incredibly close. But I was totally unprepared at how protective and angry he became when I told him about Ezekiel. Peter called and texted me multiple times a day, checking in, making sure I was all right. He was so upset that he wanted me to come stay at his house or for him to come and stay with me. I was incredibly touched by this.

    The second point is that my literary agent and I talked right after I told her about Ezekiel. “Look, kiddo,” she said. “I know who you are, and we know who you are, and no one is going to ever change that. We’ve all got this together.”

    Which brings me to the third and most important point.

    After writing for almost three decades, I’ve discovered that the joy, the pleasure, the impact that comes from writing doesn’t come just from the work, but from those connected to it. It’s born from the strength and love of the people who have joined you, because their success is now is tied to yours. They win if you win. They are your partners. They are your friends.

    And a hundred Ezekiel’s can never take that away.

  • The Self Help Of A Con Man: What convicted fraudster Matt Cox has to teach us about life

    The Self Help Of A Con Man: What convicted fraudster Matt Cox has to teach us about life

    I tried to break my fall with my right hand, and that’s when the bones snapped — I mean, you could actually hear them break. I rolled over, got up off the floor, and just stood there. Waiting. The wrist looked okay. My fingers could still move. But that sound, that snap, was still in the air, and I knew something bad had happened. Then the pain arrived –sharp and intense, and then the arm began to swell and discolor.

    Later, the x-rays would show that the wrist wasn’t just broken; it was crushed. But all four bone pieces were still there, and we might be able to avoid surgery if we could cast it, keep it still, and hope for the best.

    Why am I telling you this? What does breaking my wrist have to do with talking to Matt Cox, one of America’s most notorious fraudsters, someone who is estimated to have stolen $15 million, was sentenced to 26 years in federal prison, and once held the number-one spot on the Secret Service’s most wanted list?

    Well, everything.

    Once the cast was on, my wife banished me to the couch, propped my arms with pillows and ice packs, and told me to stay there. So I did. And if I was real still, then the pain was minimal. So I sat and watched YouTube videos on my phone, which was propped against my cast.

    If I hadn’t broken my wrist, if I hadn’t had to just sit quietly for days at a time, I couldn’t have justified spending eight straight hours watching video podcasts of Matt Cox on a channel called Koncrete.

    Matt Cox began his career as a mortgage broker in the late 1990s. On his very first deal, a coworker advised him to alter a rental history document that showed the client had been 30 days late paying rent, which would have caused the loan to be denied.

    Matt made the change but was nervous as he waited to hear if the loan would be approved. He had violated the underwriting guidelines—and done so on his very first mortgage application. But his car was about to be repossessed, his credit cards were maxed out, and he was behind on his mortgage, so Matt needed the commission badly.

    The loan went through, and at 29 years old, Matt realized that a few cents’ worth of Wite-Out had just netted him a $3,500 commission. The money got him back on his feet . . and also broke the seal to fraud.

    When clients who made $45,000 a year could only get a loan if they made $55,000, Matt, who had a degree in fine arts, manufactured new W-2 forms and verification of employment income.

    Matt closed four loans his second month as a mortgage broker and six loans the month after that. Then eight. Then twelve.

    He left that job and opened his own mortgage company. It had one rule: If someone walked through the door with a pulse, he would get them a loan. Matt had 14 people working under him and they were committing massive mortgage fraud.

    Things changed when the FBI caught some of Matt’s former business partners on a separate fraud case that Matt was connected to. These individuals wore a wire and met with Matt. He was unaware that he was admitting to all the details of his fraud—on tape.

    Matt accepted a plea deal and received three years’ probation, but now could no longer legally own a mortgage company. At this same time, Matt was going through a divorce, had given his ex-wife a large amount of money, and had a large monthly child support payment. He needed to make a living. So, he had an idea: Instead of making fake documents for people, why not skip a step and make fake . . . people? If he could create synthetic borrowers, then he could make some serious money.

    Matt estimated that every synthetic person he created netted him around $500,000. And he did it for two years.

    Matt Cox stole $11 million—all while on probation for fraud.

    About this same time, Matt started dating a woman named Gina Laidlaw. Gina was going through a divorce, raising her two-year-old child, and having some financial issues. Matt offered a way for her to make some quick money. Since Matt was obviously doing well and all his friends who were involved seemed to be successful, she agreed.

    Gina would play the part of a mortgage buyer named Rosita Perez. So, Gina—brown haired and green-eyed—dyed her hair for the fake ID photographs Matt created. Gina would show up at the closings with her ID and then go to the banks to deposit the checks.

    Later that year, Matt received a tip from a friend that the FBI planned to arrest him in a few days. He had over a million dollars in various banks, but couldn’t easily withdraw it, so he gathered the $80,000 he had in cash and went on the lam.

    By this time, Matt had stopped seeing Gina and was dating a woman named Rebecca Hauck. She showed up at Matt’s house to find him frantically packing his things. Matt explained that was going on the run from the FBI, along with the crimes he had been committing. Rebecca listened. And then told Matt that she was going with him.

    The two hit the road, and with Matt’s talent for false documentation, getting real driver’s licenses and even passports in other people’s names was never an issue. In the meantime, Gina was wracked with guilt over what she had done. A completely honest person, her conscience was eating away at her. She decided to go to the FBI and confess her involvement.

    She thought she had an immunity agreement, since she had no past record, came forward on her own, and was confessing to a crime the FBI knew nothing about. But the FBI decided not to grant Gina immunity. She was sentenced to two and a half years in prison and ordered to pay $300,000 in restitution.

    Meanwhile, Matt and Rebecca kept on the move and bounced from Atlanta to Las Vegas to Jamaica to Charlotte. Whenever the money ran low, Matt would use one of his new identities and buy some houses, take out multiple home loans, and rack up some credit card debt.

    After a close call at getting caught, Matt decided that he and Rebecca should separate. They had about $600,000 in cash, so Matt took $100,000 and gave Rebecca the rest. Matt headed to Nashville, created a new identity, and borrowed $3.5 million.

    Rebecca knew she was wanted by the FBI, but called home anyway and revealed to a family member where she was living in and that she was in beauty school. Her relative immediately called the FBI. Rebecca was found and arrested. She was sentenced to six years in prison, with five additional years of supervised release.

    Not long after this, Matt’s luck ran out, too. Through a tip from someone looking to cash in on the reward for Matt’s capture, he was arrested on November 16, 2006. In April 2007, Matt plead guilty, he was sentenced one year later, on November 16, 2006, to 26 years. He served one year in various county jails and U.S. Marshal holdovers; three years in the medium-security prison in Coleman, Florida; and 8 and a half years in the low-security prison at Coleman. He was released on supervised release in July 2019.

    Now, this is a riveting story and a great way to spend eight hours while you sit on a couch and wait for your bones to mend. But there was one thing that I kept going back to.

    In the part of the podcast when Matt was talking about Gina, the former girlfriend who confessed to the crimes she had committed with Matt and was sentenced to prison because of it, Matt smiled and said, “She’s super cool; I talk to her all the time.”

    Wait . . . what?!

    You’re in contact with the person who went to prison because of you? The person whose child was taken away from her talks to you? And you talk all the time? Like . . . friends?

    “I talk to Gina every other day.” Matt said.

    “Really,” replied the host.

    “Yeah, I talk to her all the time.”

    “Wow.”

    “I mean, she’s awesome. She’s an amazing person.”

    I might not have thought anything about it. After all, Matt Cox is a con man and con men are liars. But after you watch hour after hour of a person telling his story, you start to create a profile of that individual. And there was one thing I had noticed about Matt Cox: He is almost pathologically . . . truthful.

    I’m sure this wasn’t always the case, but when Matt’s telling a story, it’s not uncommon for him to stop suddenly and say, “This was Tuesday—wait, no, it was Wednesday—yeah, Wednesday morning.”
    He would pause the story to make sure whatever small detail he was describing was as accurate as possible.

    Based on the fact that Matt wouldn’t want even the wrong day of the week recorded on camera, why would he make such a bold statement about Gina if it weren’t true?

    But if it was true, how is it possible that Matt Cox was now friends with a person who went to prison because of him? How is she friends with him?

    In a world where we avoid people in the supermarket because they said something mean to us three years ago, where we delete Facebook friend requests from old coworkers because they gave us a poor job performance rating four jobs ago, and where we rehash all the wrongs done to us for years or even decades, this was extremely interesting.

    To become friends with someone who went to prison because of you is no small task, and there are some serious internal forces working against it.

    Was it possible that Matt Cox actually had a friendship with Gina and therefore had a leg up on most of us regarding asking for forgiveness and finding redemption?

    It was worth finding out.

    So, I reached out to Matt. I sent him an email to his Insidetruecrime.com website to see if his friendship with Gina was actually true and told him that, if so, I’d like to interview him and write about it.

    Matt emailed back and said it was true that he still spoke to Gina. Not only that, but he and Rebecca Haulk, the woman who went on the run with him and was sentenced to six years, talk weekly. And two of his codefendants talk to him. He also still talks to the guy who started the investigation into his scam.

    This had moved to beyond interesting to something extremely rare. Had this convicted fraudster reached some emotional and relationship level that most of us never get to? And if so, how?

    Matt and I got on the phone. We discussed the podcast interviews and I asked how he appeared so open. He had taken all the responsibility for everything he did, but there was no anger or resentment to any part of his story. Why was that?

    “Because I went to prison,” he said quickly. “You can’t get away with blaming other people about your situation in prison. They won’t let you get away with it and will always call you out. What you did, got you there. You got you there.”

    He added, “Also, I wrote my memoir while in prison and when I did that, I learned a lot about myself. While writing it, I quickly saw that I was pretty self-centered, manipulative, self-serving, and even narcissistic. In short, I had issues.”

    While incarcerated, Matt was involved in teaching classes and was asked to write an ethics and fraud manual to help spot real-estate and banking fraud. He also took part in an intensive drug treatment program, part of which involved writing an apology letter to someone you hurt. And they had to write a letter back to you.

    “When I asked my ex-wife if I could send this to her, she said, ‘Oh, yeah,’” Matt said laughing. “She said she had been waiting for 20 years to respond to a letter like that.”

    Matt’s ex-wife is also now part of his after-prison life and they see each other often.

    Matt admitted that the money and the wealth were very important to him at that time. They defined him. Now he defines himself by his friends, family, his paintings, and his writing.

    The writing part is a combination of both the creative and business sides of him. While in prison, Matt realized he was surrounded by some of the most amazing, unique, stranger-than-fiction, and often high-profile crime stories, within the inmates all around him. And in his position as a fellow inmate, he had unlimited access to them. So, Matt interviewed these men, wrote some of their stories, optioned some, and left prison with a unique catalog of written books, treatments, options, and book proposals.

    Matt wakes up at 5:00 am each morning and spends each day working on getting his new life going. In fact, all of the income he now receives comes from the books and paintings he sells online and he is working on establishing a true crime podcast.

    “There are some amazing people out there,” Matt said. “With some incredible stories.” Which may explain why Matt works so hard to get back the relationships he once had on the outside, as well as keep in touch with those that he met while in prison.

    As we spoke, the list of people that Matt has reconnected to just kept on growing. He is currently living in the spare part of the house where his old high school girlfriend and her family live. She’s another person he admits he didn’t treat right.

    “Are there people you tried to connect to that didn’t want anything to do with you?” I asked.

    “Of course,” Matt said. He told me about an old friend he tried to reconnect with on Facebook who sent him a scathing response saying he’d contact Matt’s parole officer if he ever got in touch again. Matt found himself behind another old friend in a Dunkin’ Donuts drive-through. She saw him, did a double-take, then quickly got her coffee and drove away.

    Although Matt is very open to his past, Gina’s view is somewhat different.

    “I don’t look back at that time like Matt does,” Gina told me. “It happened, I went to jail, it’s over. I don’t really like to talk about it because I have moved on.”

    When I asked how Matt reached out to her, Gina told me about receiving a Facebook message from him early one morning.

    “I just looked at it and thought, what the hell? He shouldn’t be out for another 10 years!”

    They started messaging and then talking. I asked her if that had been difficult.

    “It was at first,” she said. “It triggered some old feelings, some depression and PTSD.”

    “We’re you angry at him?” I asked.

    “Matt honestly believed that no one was getting hurt with what he was doing. That the banks and mortgage companies were insured. He didn’t see that some of these smaller companies probably had to close with the losses.”

    Gina told me how Matt had apologized multiple times to her, even breaking down crying.

    “But you spent two years in prison because of this guy. Weren’t you angry at him?”

    “I was angry, but not really at him. It’s kind of a supportive thing. We both had to rebuild our lives again from nothing. No one knows what we went through but us.”

    Gina explained that when she was released from prison, she couldn’t believe the kindness of her family and friends. Family helped her get a car, her ex-husband even signed the lease on her apartment, and soon she was working as well as going back to school.

    “Jail was a learning experience for me,” she said. “Almost spiritual. I began to look at the web of people that crossed my path as important. I mean, I only knew Matt for three months, but the rest of my life was affected. So all the people now will affect it as well.”

    I asked Gina if she enjoyed the fact that she had reconnected with Matt.

    “Yes, she answered. “He is funny and charismatic and, I mean, what person could write and sell the option to a screenplay while still in prison? Only Matt.”

    In the two hours that Matt and I spent on the phone, his texts and emails kept coming in. And considering he has only been out of prison for six months, that seemed like solid evidence of a rich life.

    “I don’t want to let what happened to me,” Matt said. “Stop me from the chance of having these people in my life.”

    But after two hours on the phone, there were still a few questions unanswered.

    The first was, what are the steps that Matt Cox took to forgive himself and then ask forgiveness of others? I know he told me that at one time it was very important to have the money and luxury that came from his crimes in order to define him. Maybe he now needs to prove he can be successful without it?

    I’m not sure.

    But I do know that Matt is not the typical style we like our reformed high-profile crooks to be. We tend to want them either haughty or broken.

    If they’re arrogant, then we can say, “See, I told you he would never change.” And if they are broken, then it’s: “That’s what happens when you live a life like that.”

    But Matt Cox is neither one of these.

    He is remorseful, but confident. He is regretful, but excited about the future. He is truthful about all he has done, but that history does not hold him back. And he is hopeful when he reaches out to those he has hurt, but is strong enough to go on if they reject him.

    *Gina Laidlaw is a pseudonym. She has moved to a new state, changed her name, gone back to school, and begun a completely new life. And although she is still friends with Matt Cox, when we spoke, I promised her that I would respect her identity—both old and new—by simply referring to her in this article as Gina Laidlaw.

  • The depression agreement

    The depression agreement

    Robin Williams, Hunter S Thompson, Anthony Bourdain …Yup, they all committed suicide. But they also have something else in common.

    What is the demographic of people—what age group and what sex— that will commit suicide the most in the U.S. this year?

    Now, if your answer is teenagers and young adult males, then you would be absolutely correct.

    If it was 1997.

    But it’s not.

    The group that now dominates the top of the suicide chart, year after year, with little sign of slowing down, is middle-aged men. In fact, males between the ages of 45 and 64 made up almost 70% of the suicides that occurred last year. 1

    Not far behind are middle-aged women, between age 45 and 64. In fact, suicide rates for women of that age group actually increased by 60% between 2000 and 2016. 1

    And those numbers only reflect the 50,000 people each year who die by suicide in this country. They don’t include the 1.4 million people who attempt to kill themselves each year but fail or are rescued. And the numbers are still skewed because they also don’t include the large number of suicides each year that are hidden as car accidents and other means and not reported as self-inflicted.

    If these statistics aren’t powerful enough, the numbers are actually climbing. The number of national suicides has risen 33% since 1999. And the National Center for Health Statistics recently reported that the U.S. suicide rate is now the highest it’s been since World War II. 2

    That means we are now killing ourselves more often than we ever did in the past, but it also means that the ones leading the charge, middle-aged people, are the parents and grandparents to the same age group that used to be at the highest suicide risk only a few decades ago.

    Why is this?

    Why is this generation of middle aged individuals, who are supposed to be at the top of their game, with the most life experiences, earning more, experiencing more, and having the technology to tie them to more opportunities and information than any other group in history, in such emotional and mental pain that they think that suicide is the only way to relieve it?

    I don’t know.

    I mean, there are theories, many, many theories of why the middle-aged suicide rate is so high, and there are the pat answers: mental health issues, drug and alcohol addiction, depression and anxiety disorders.

    But if you look into each middle-aged group, you do see some common markers. Middle-aged men—this strong and independent group—often see admitting to feelings of depression or anxiety as a weakness. They’re extremely reluctant to tell anyone when issues arise and even less likely to seek professional help. Middle-aged men who commit suicide are often experiencing severe financial stress, recent job loss, debt, and a myriad of other life pressures that affect their sense of worth. Plus they are in a very unique position, begin raised by that self-sufficient generation that survived The Great Depression and World War II.

    The markers for middle-aged women often align with severe emotional stresses: marriage issues or loss, infidelity, depression, and anxiety. Interestingly, the suicide statistics for this group might actually be higher than those for middle-aged men, if not for the fact that women often choose pills and other methods to kill themselves that are less reliable than firearms—the common male choice. More women than men attempt suicide and are rescued.

    Okay, so what’s the point of all of this?

    Well, here it is.

    I am a middle-aged man. And I am depressed. And I have been for a while.

    There. I said it.

    And no, I will not kill myself. How do I know? Because, like many of us, I’m simply not built that way. My wiring won’t allow it. But that doesn’t mean the dark times don’t come. When they do, it’s pretty overwhelming. And to answer your question, yes, I have gone to see someone, and yes, I have tried antidepressants—two different prescriptions actually. They just didn’t work for me.

    And yes, I also feel like I am betraying the people I care the most about simply by feeling this way. I worry that my family will feel that they’re not enough, that it’s something they did, some flaw in them, which is absolutely not true and is part of the reason why I have kept this hidden.

    I have enormous guilt about making this public statement because I have a wonderful and beautiful wife of almost 30 years, two amazing kids I absolutely love, a job that is challenging, a roof over my head. Yeah, I get it. I know how much I have to be grateful for.

    But that’s not the point of writing this. The point is that I think I may have stumbled onto something. Something kind of important. And I wanted to give it to anyone who might be able to use it.

    So, let’s start with this: When a person is suffering a deep depression, it’s so huge, so overwhelming, it’s all they can see. They open their eyes and it’s everywhere, all over, weighing down on them from all directions. Anything new that comes in has to cut through all that fog first. And because the depression is so incredibly massive, those experiencing it just expect that others can see it on them. I mean, how could they not? It’s all over us! Like chickenpox or a black eye. We expect people to run up and say, “Holy cow, what happened to you?”

    But they don’t.

    We see friends at our kids’ school, in the neighborhood. We sit next to them at little league games and talk for hours. And then . . . well, then nothing. They don’t see it, they don’t say anything, and we move on. And when these people don’t notice anything different about us, when they aren’t concerned, we think: “Great, no one cares.” And this hurt causes us to move us away from these people, from most people, as well as from the activities and areas we used to take joy in, and that moves us more toward . . . ourselves.

    And here is the great irony.

    Ready? Most of us—especially those in a state of depression—don’t really like ourselves all that much. Or even a little bit. Or at all. And now that we’ve pushed all other people away, we’re living on a deserted island with the very individual we don’t want to spend time with. Ourselves.

    What’s the most controversial punishment in the federal prison system today? Solitary confinement. Or what prison officials call “the prison within the prison.” Studies on solitary confinement and social isolation show that there is a physical effect on the brain that slows down the brain’s ability to use the feel-good neurotransmitters dopamine and serotonin, and over time this can actually cause physical changes in the brain. 3

    See, I have always considered myself a fairly selfless person. But depression is an incredibly selfish act—at least, for me it is. Why? Because it’s all about how I feel, what I am experiencing, and what I am going through. It forces you to plan, react, think, and strategize, 100%, on yourself.

    You are in pain, but it’s your pain. You feel worthless, but it’s your feeling of worthlessness. You feel helpless, but you are the one feeling this way, and the microscope is turned so far inward that the rest of the world simply becomes white noise.

    And you begin to think in terms of away, rather than toward. What you want to avoid, rather than what you want to experience—because, often, the only thing we want to experience is sleep, or alcohol, or Netflix, or food, or whatever deep numbness we can get to the most quickly. And when you do that often enough, the world becomes incredibly small. We crawl into our own self-inflicted solitary confinement.

    But reality is that the world isn’t small. At all. And the world needs us.

    There are people all around us, every day, in every capacity, and they need us. They need us to listen and to care and to be part of their lives, even if it’s just having a conversation or showing up for their kid’s dance recital or bringing over a bowl of chili when you make too much. They need us.

    When I think about the people I have pushed away, shunned, people who might be screaming inside just as much as I am, hurting and in trouble, I’m ashamed. There are others who simply want me to be part of the special times of their lives. In fact, one of my closest friends had a baby a month ago and I still haven’t seen him. I’ve avoided it, gotten out of it, and probably seriously hurt him, and that’s the most selfish act I can think of—sorry, Dave.

    But no more.

    At this point you might say, so you’re saying the cure for depression is to suck it up and go take a casserole to your neighbor?

    Nope.

    But I’m saying that my depression needs to be less about me and more about the people around me. I need to be part of their lives and they need to be part of mine and it doesn’t matter that I don’t like myself, because it’s not about me. At all.

    I said that I am someone who could never kill himself. and that wasn’t entirely true. Over the years, I have already done it. I have pulled myself so far away that I am now socially, mentally, spiritually, and intellectually dead.

    But no more.

    I want to knock on all the houses I’ve passed on Fiddlers Green and say, “Hey, you don’t know me, but I’m the guy who has lived in this neighborhood for 12 years, pass you every day, and don’t even know your name.” I will break the cycle and go to the Elks Club fundraiser with our neighbors that invited us, and I will remind my family every day of how incredibly special and important they are.

    I don’t pretend this is the cure for anything. It’s not meant to be. It’s a responsibility. A duty. It’s the agreement you sign when you join the human race, and I have seriously defaulted on that agreement.

    And yeah, sure, this may not change anything as far as my depression goes. In six months, I may still be here.

    Maybe.

    But at least I’ll be alive.

    I’ll be socially, intellectually, and spiritually alive.

    And that’s good enough for me.

    1 2017, report Centers for Disease Control and Prevention — https://www.cdc.gov/vitalsigns/suicide/index.html
    2 National Institute of Mental Health, 2017 report — https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/statistics/suicide.shtml
    3 Behavior Neuroscience, Emotions, 2016 — https://neuwritesd.org/2016/12/08/the-neuroscience-of-loneliness/