There is this very strange, very weird, social phenomenon that occurs when a man encounters a stranger, that’s very, very interesting — I see women doing a version of this too, but it’s different with them — which makes this particular experience pretty much a guy-thing.
So, here’s the scenario.
You are stopping at a store on your way home from work. You locate the store and drive into the lot. You park and turn the car off. You step out of the car, close the door and hit that little button on your key fob to lock the doors; click and beep. The car is safe.
Now you head towards the store, but as you are walking, you notice that another man is walking out of the store towards you. So unbeknownst to you, some incredibly fast and complicated mental calculations are being made, deep inside your man brain — and most of them you won’t even be aware of. The first thing that occurs is that within milliseconds, your subconscious sends out a probe to determine if the strangers path will be beyond your personal space — in other words, will he be three feet away or more, which would place him outside of the danger-zone.
So the probe comes back and the determination is negative. At the current rate of speed and the space available between the parked cars, the stranger will walk within three feet of you. A full second later we move into prep-mode and this is when we first notice that something is occurring. We see the stranger and we begin to feel just the smallest amount of discomfort; just a tiny bit of unease. We continue walking. We get within four feet of the stranger and he looks up. We look up. Something clicks and we give the stranger — the look. Then we state our greeting — this could be a ‘sup, how ya doin;, hey. The stranger responds, he passes and we continue to the store. Moment over.
Now what just happened?
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Well, a lot. Because we just gave the stranger the look and the look is actually a big deal. To describe the look is fairly easy — and once you’ve noticed it, you’ll see it all the time — and it’s simply this. If you press your lips together tightly — as tight as you can — and smile. That’s it. That’s the look.
So why is it important? Well, what’s interesting about the look is that it’s the — please don’t hurt me, expression. It’s the default passive reaction. It’s the, I don’t want any trouble, I’m just walking here, plea. It’s the human equivalent of lying down to expose our belly to let the bigger dog — the important dog — know that we admit they we are smaller and weaker. Yup, all that in one expression.
Why do we do this? And why do we care if we do?
Well first, as we said, it’s a guy thing. Sit in that same parking lot and watch women walk in and out of the store and unless they know someone, they don’t need to acknowledge them. Men do. We travel through life with our social identity constantly on and constantly being updated. And when we acknowledge with the look there is actual damage being done. How?
In the animal world there are two states; dominant and submissive. A submissive dog — a good dog — will show the dominant dog — the important dog — that they pose no threat. That they don’t want to take anything from them. That they know their place. This is true. But we are not dogs. We are men.
And that’s where the trick lies because when we were boys we saw men. We admired them and we developed this image of men — this unrealistic, unobtainable, two dimensional image and we told ourselves that when we became men we will be just as strong, just as sure and just as smart as the other men around us. Then we got older. And we were absolutely none of these things. We were frightened and unsure and confused and afraid. And because we knew these were not the traits of the men we saw, we determined that we weren’t men. That we had failed as men. Oh we might be a good person, or a kind friend or a good son, but as men we failed.
We didn’t.
Our fathers — our grandfathers, our bosses, our neighbors — those men that we see as the ideal, were just as weak and just as afraid and just as stupid as us. They weren’t always strong and smart and selfless and sometimes they did really dumb things. We can be confident in our career and in our family.
We can be satisfied with our home and with our finances. We can be in great physical shape and be a good father, a great husband and a sold friend but when it comes to ranking where we believe we fit on the man chart, we will always, always, always, rank ourselves lowly.
Because the chart is wrong. And the look pushes us down a tiny microscopic step every time we use it. The stranger in the Kroger parking lot that we pass on the way in to the store, is not going to punch us as we pass by. We know that. But every time we use the look, we have internally just filed away a moment as if we ran from a fight.
Being courteous is something we give.
Being passive is something that is taken from us; something that is done to us.
Because we are not the good dog. And we are not seven years old on a playground. We are strong, thinking men. And there is no place for being passive with strong, thinking men. We either screw up or we don’t. We go or we stay. We decide and we will probably decide wrong — and we do it.
We are civil.
We are reasonable.
We are tolerant.
And we are rational.
But we are not passive.
