Rum oatmeal energy bars

When I was fourteen years old and my sister was twelve, my mother went back to college full time to get her nursing degree. Up until then, my mom had been the stay at home type — pretty typical of the 1970’s — but when my dad was no longer able to work due to an injury, our painfully tight budget was about to get a whole lot tighter. Which meant that at the age of 54, Velma De Morier set out to burn through a technical two year nursing degree program in one year. And then go to work as a nurse.

Now with my mother off at college all day and studying all night, my father and my sister and I had to kick in with the housework and the cooking. And since the nutritional content of my father’s famous burnt water with grey stuff, was extremely limited, I decided that this would be a good time to learn to cook.

One very simple dish that I got pretty good at was — well, I really didn’t think it had a name, but it consisted of some form of pasta, some form of frozen vegetable, a can of tuna fish and Italian dressing. I could make this fast, easily and it was probably the main reason that the four of us survived that year.

Later on, when I was in college myself, I perfected this pasta dish to actually include spices — something I hadn’t thought of before — and for pennies I could make a bowl that I could eat on for days. And then — at the end of my freshman year, I came across the ultimate recipe — Rum Oatmeal Energy Bars. And everything changed. I lived on them all through college and for a solid decade afterwards.

It’s pretty simple process to make Rum Oatmeal Energy Bars recipe and even though I haven’t made in a while, this is what you do.

You’ll need one bottle of Captain Morgan’s Spiced Rum, one cup quick-cooking oats, 1/2 cup dark raisins, 1/4 cup whole-wheat flour, a stick of salted butter and —. Well, some other stuff but we’ll get to that.

Now the first crucial step— and you have to believe me on this — the absolutely very first step is that you have to begin by drinking one ounce of the rum. I know, I know, weird. But there is something about drinking the rum that allows you to taste-test the other ingredients. Without that first taste, it doesn’t really work.

So pour the rum and drink it. Done.

Now, the second step is to arrange all your ingredients on the countertop — you’ll need to be able to see everything and then go back when needed. So get a glass baking dish and place it on the countertop next to everything else.

By the way, the countertops we use in our kitchen aren’t granite countertops — which are all the rage right now — but are Corian countertops which cost us a little less but are just as good. In fact, the guy who sold them to us — I think his name was Ken — said that the resale value of these countertops is just as high as the granite ones. Actually better.

Okay, so we spread out all our ingredients along with countertop along with the one ounce of the rum. Now, I don’t know if I told you this but you have to drink one shot of the rum. — Yeah, I know, weird. But trust me it’s the only way it works. So pour a shot of the rum and drink it. Done.

Okay, now spread everything across the countertop. Your raisons, the flour, in fact — okay, this will be cool. Okay. Listen. Listen. Okay, take the flour and pour it in a bowl and hollow out the center of it — you know like a mashed potato bowl before you put in the gravy? — like this and then make little roads up the flour like this. See? See what I’m doing here? It’s like a dirt bike track. And then the bikes can climb— right up the — to the jump. See? Oh, that’s so, so cool.

Okay, now the first thing to do is pour a shot of the rum and drink it. I know, I know. Shut up. Just do it. So you pour the shot and —. Done.

Okay, now you take the ingredients, all of them — the raisons, the cordless phone, the flour dirt bike track and some other stuff and you just fan it all across the countertop. See, just fan it.

Now these aren’t the fancy granite countertops like I wanted. Nope. Not at all. Debbie wanted to save money. So her and that jerk Ken said — oh Corian is just as good.

Yeah? Well —. Bull. Who says, hey come over and see my Corian countertops, huh? Who? I’ll tell you who. Nobody. That’s who. That’s exactly who. No-frickin’-body. That’s who.

So you spread everything out over the crap, cheap, I don’t work hard enough to afford granite, countertops and you pour yourself a shot of the rum.

Yeah, well shut up and drink it.

Okay, now you spread everything across the countertops — make sure to cover the stains and the chips that aren’t supposed to happen but always do because Ken is a liar and a looser and couldn’t tell the truth if his life depended on it. And take a shot of the rum.

Don’t make me come over there. Just drink it. Boom and done.

Okay now, did I ever show you my grandfather’s powder horn? It’s really cool and supposedly my grandfather carried it in World War I — but that doesn’t make sense because they didn’t use powder guns back then so my mother probably lying to me too.

She probably told Laura the truth about the powder horn though. Laura — she’s so perfect.

Hold on I’ll call my sister, Laura. She lives in Ohio.

Okay, I tried to call my sister but I the phone is at the bottom of the flour dirt bike track and when the phone rings it looks so cool so I left it there.

Okay, so the first step is to take a shot of the rum.

Boom. Done. Nailed it.

Okay, now this is what we’re going to do. Okay? Are you listening? Okay, here is what we’re going to do. This will work. We are going to move all the ingredients over to the dining room table and work there instead. Because that’s a solid wood table. Oak. Made in America and if we move everything in there, things won’t roll off the countertop because this counter was never installed properly and will most likely catch on fire. I mean it —  mark my words — this countertop will kill somebody! It’s an unholy, godless countertop installed by Nazi’s — I am so serious that one guy had a Nazi tattoo — he said it was a birthmark but it looked just like a swas, a swizzle, a swarmi — whatever those nazi things are called. It looked just like it.

Okay, so we’re at the dining room table now and we have everything spread out. Okay, we take a shot of the rum. Done. Okay. Okay, so — we spread it all out over the surface of the table and —. Wait.

Now this is a good time to eat the raisons. Raisons are good for you and besides your stomach is probably feeling a little off right now. So eat the raisons and then do another shot of the rum.

Pow. Done.

Now, when I was in college I had the chance to go work on a long liner — you know one of those big fishing boat thingees? For the summer. For the entire frickin’ summer. But know what? Guess what. Guess. Go ahead. Ready? I didn’t go. Nope. Not me. I had no reason not to go either. All my friends went. All of them. Buckethead, Bear, that — that other kid, I can’t remember his name. But not me. Oh no, not me. I chickened out and worked in a pharmacy for the summer instead— now that was fun. A pharmacy.

Okay, so here is what we’re going to do. We’re going to move all the ingredients from this fine American made oak table to the couch because that’s more comfortable and because I taped a bunch of Lost in Space episodes and we can watch them all in there while we cook.

Debbie picked out that couch and it’s perfect for putting ingredients together on and she did a great job, didn’t she? She’s so good at stuff like that. She’s so good at everything. Everything she does. I’m so lucky to have her. I love Debbie.

Okay, so first we need to get all this flour out of the fish tank.

When —? When did we get a fish tank? Oh, wait, that’s —.

Oh, man. That’s funny. That is so funny. I thought it was a fish tank but —- but we don’t—-. Oh man that is the funniest —-. I actually thought —.

Okay, so this is tickin’ me off a little. What? I’ve got the DVR going but every time I press Lost in Space— an episode of Dancing with the Stars comes on.

Dancing with the frickin’ stars? Are you kidding me? Over Lost in Space. No way. No frickin’ way.

Okay, so we’ve got Lost in Space going and have all the ingredients spread out under the couch cushions so the turtles won’t get them. Not real turtles. Duh, I mean — , I mean —. Shoot, what’s the word? Cats. Cats. Did I say turtles? Why did I say Turtles? We don’t have turtles.

That’s funny.  That’s so — so funny.

Okay, so we do a shot of the rum. Pow. Done. I am the greatest.

Now we take the other couch cushions and put them on the floor and make a little fort. This will help with the —. Wait.

Did I tell you that my mother — my mother, at the age of 79 went back to college to be a doctor to support us?

Can you believe that? At almost 85 frickin’ years old she went back to college to support all fourteen of us kids.

I love my mom.

And Debbie.

And these fluffy little turtles.